*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m not stressed
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
This is a true ally.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Everything reminds me of my ex
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
yea so i messed up lol
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine