*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.