@donni: *sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That's a pretty dubious clam
@david8hughes: [first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
@BigGucci_Idz: It's funny when guys say "treat your girl right or I will" lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?
@Black__Elvis: Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
@BradBroaddus: My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine's Day so I guess I'll stay home with the kids.
@gurl_sour: My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don't blame me. I'm not the racist code programmer.