@donni: *sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That's a pretty dubious clam
@dafloydsta: Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
@junejuly12: I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
@slimmy_shady: I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
"Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?"
Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog