@donni: *sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That's a pretty dubious clam
@litfirebird: Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
@davidkenny100: "The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked"
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
"Where were u on the nite of the 5th?"
Stabbing a guy.
"Louder for the tape."
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
@iwearaonesie: dad: You're sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
dad: What's a fuse?
dad: Who's SpongeBob's best friend?
me: Patr- oh