@dafloydsta: Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@junejuly12: I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs. And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

@slimmy_shady: I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

@PJTLynch: [2050] "Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?" Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog