My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
kevin is now a local weatherman
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?