Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!