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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.