*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
You Might Also Like
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Google Pay be like:
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside