*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.