Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”