[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.