[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
OKAY DAD
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
nice challenge
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
How to wake up a Beagle
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”