*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Botany good plants lately?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.