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The happy life.. 😊
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU