*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”