[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose