[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*