[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now