[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.