Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.