@JasonLastname: Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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@joe_binkley: Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don't even have shoulders Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
@TheMichaelRock: [inventor of public restrooms] What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I think my computer has become self-aware." Ian: "What makes you say that?" Me: "Well, for a start, it's named itself Ian."
@shashaintl: Me: We need to go. 11: Go without me. 7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can't let that happen.