If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT