Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
🤣🤣🤣
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*