*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.