[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much