*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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From my Mom
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I think they could have phrased this better
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!