*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.