*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.