[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my morning crab linguine
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It鈥檚 okay if you say no. There鈥檚 probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 馃檪
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father鈥檚 Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Well, this is awkward
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I鈥檓 not good at putting on lipstick.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You鈥檝e stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I鈥檝e got plenty.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.