[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch