[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity