*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
You Might Also Like
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!