*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.