For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*