[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Ain’t no way
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself