LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”