If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.