[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I support this random dude and all his protests
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.