*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
one of
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My dating profile:
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
WWE is French for “yes”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.