*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Noted.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again