*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
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*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
When the stylist spins you back around
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy