What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
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I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Boom, boom, ching!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.