ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]