[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.