Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Mornin
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say