[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Free him
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
How animals would run if they were human
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.