Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom