Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?