Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Ah yes. The three genders
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?