(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
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my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing