What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
You Might Also Like
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
A small tragedy.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?