Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
the red hot silly peppers
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.