@ambamthankyamam: Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn't realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It's causing quite a stir...
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@P_o_n_k: BURGLAR: Look at all these pizza boxes. He must eat it every day. ME (hiding in closet): Yeah, or maybe he threw a cool party with friends.
@TheSanch14: Boss: why do you deserve this promotion? Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant B: what drugs are you on? Me: good ones *leaves*
@dubstep4dads: Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall
@NikiWithIssues: A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.